Do Not Adjust Your Set

You’re going to look at this bowl and say “Mmmm. Chili!” 🙂

You’ll be a daisy if you do.


That looks like chili. It smells (a lot) like chili. It is loaded with chili powder, and cumin, and probably cooked peppers and ground beef and black beans. It sure seems to be chili.

But what you do not know, because you can’t taste it, is this – this is a bowl of….

(are you sitting down? Is your body well balanced, not tilted in any way? I don’t want you to get hurt when you fall over, or slide out of your chair. Maybe you should strap yourself  in before you read the next line…)

…a bowl of…

….of Butternut Squash chili.

That’s right. You read that right. Somebody (who will remain nameless, but I will allow as to how the person in question is one of the few people who has married me) actually made Butternut Squash chili.

On purpose.

Of course, I wasn’t home when this travesty occurred. Had I been, I would have called St. James and had Father Clark rush out here and do an exorcism – either on the chili, or on the cook (who shall remain nameless, but I will allow as to how the person in question has a really dumb dog, and really sick taste in cookbooks). I would have howled to the heavens. I would have physically ripped the Butternut Squash from her hands and drop-kicked it out into the horse pasture.

(On a side note – I never knew, until I looked up the term, that a “drop kick” is not a punt; it’s actually a way of initiating a field goal or extra point that doesn’t involve a holder. The kicker drops the ball onto the ground and lets it bounce, and then kicks it through the goalposts. It is only now, having done the research, that the Country Gospel song “Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life”  makes any sense at all. So I owe my enlightenment in this area to butternut squash chili).

No, Ethel made the chili while I was in California last week. Now, I can imagine me some Californians making Butternut Squash Chili, and then eating it with kale chips. But it’s all backwards – while I was in the land of fruits and nuts, eating steak at the Outback and Mexican food in Redwood City, Ethel was in Montana making Butternut Squash Chili….sort of like traveling from Alabama to Las Vegas to attend a Southern Baptist convention, while the folks back home are playing roulette and Texas Hold-Em with floozies in fishnet stockings.

Then last night, when I had a meeting and Ethel had a church thing, she left the Butternut Squash Chili out for me to eat for dinner. (You’ll note that she didn’t take it to church. One of the wardens is in the NRA, and a Vestry elder went to Texas A&M; Ethel would have found herself forcibly re-baptized if’n she’d’a tried to feed those folks Butternut Squash chili).

However, Gentle Reader, do not be concerned on my account. I can report that it is possible to put enough shredded Tillamook Medium Cheddar* onto Butternut Squash chili to mostly cover up the Butternut Squash – and Mission Taco tortilla strips can handle the rest of the damage.

Today I am recovering from this culinary assassination attempt, and doing quite well (we also have Tillamook Cheddar in block). I’m looking forward to finding out what else Ethel might have cooked up while I was out of town. If nothing else, I’ll get to practice my drop-kicks.





*actually, it’s possible, if you have enough shredded Tillamook Medium Cheddar, to spread it over the Ukraine and repair the damage from Chernobyl.

  1. Dave C said:

    If you obtained your information about drop kicks from Wikipedia, you may have noticed that the first few sections are about various forms of rugby, in which drop kicks are still commonly used. I will refrain from commenting on the butternut squash chili.

  2. Yes, I saw that. I scrolled right past it, as I would if the first few paragraphs were about starting fires by rubbing sticks together or any other primitive predecessors of modernity.

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