Stuck

We’re back in Montana!

Cozumel was great, but exhausting, and I have to admit that I got tired of taking three to four showers every day.

And, besides, the few Mexican restaurants that we have in northwest Montana don’t have large plastic camels in the dining rooms.

camel

For my money, you can’t have too much of that sort of thing.

Dr. Bob said that we should emulate the camel:

” [Dr Bob] would explain prayer by telling how the camels in a caravan would kneel down in the evening, and the men would unload their burdens. In the morning, they would kneel down again, and the men would put the burdens back on. ’It’s the same with prayer,’ Dr. Bob said. ’We get on our knees to unload at night. And in the morning when we get on our knees again, God gives us just the load we are able to carry for that day.’”  — Dr. Bob and the Good Oldtimers (1980), page 229

Here lately, I seem to be trying to get a double load, or avoid getting ‘loaded’ at all.

I’m pretty tired, coming back from this vacation. I have this notion that that’s not how things were in my parents’ generation – I think that they went on vacation and laid around and relaxed, and then came back and were rested and energized.

Ethel and I tend to wear ourselves out – in Cozumel, we did fifteen dives. I was working out three to four days per week – hard workout days, in pretty serious heat and humidity. We also made pretty much all of the meetings that they had available. And the trip back was not an easy day.

So now I’m very tired.

I’m also sore – I’ve added in some very limited strength training. Not the normal high-rep leg weight work and body weight resistance stuff that I’ve been doing for the past ten years or so – no, I now have six sets of actual, real, lifting – two sets each of bench press, squat and dead lift.

Currently the weight is light, but that doesn’t matter – when I start doing these exercises, they tends to make me somewhat sore. And, for me, “sore” at least feels like “tired”. So there’s that.

So I’m tired, and sore. And, I feel stupid. Just looking at the stuff that I’m trying to do at work feels overwhelming.

I can’t seem to get smart quickly, either. Not even caffeine can get me smarter. It just makes me jumpy and dumb, rather than just dumb.

So work is not fun today.

Now, it hasn’t been fun for a while. But today it is particularly unfun. I’m uninspired. I’m not moved. And apparently I’m not moving, either – I’m not making much progress. And I can’t get anyone to answer my pings in Slack.

So I’m this -> <- close to quitting. Just quitting.

Not because my boss is mean or my company is taking advantage of me or I’m underpaid. No, my boss is a great guy, my company keeps showing up in the top 10 lists of “best places to work”.  And I was overpaid already; I just got a raise.

No, it’s just because I’m tired. And I’m not having fun at work anymore.

Now, that’s pretty silly. Of course I’m tired. But “tired” doesn’t stop me. And who cares if I’m not “having fun”? That’s why they PAY me – to do something that isn’t fun.

When I talked to my sponsor about this, and he understood that Ethel has told me to go ahead and quit, he said “then why are you still working, if you want to quit and you can quit?”

I was able to come up with three things in my inventory:

* Because quitting is quitting.

* The longer that I were to work, the more that Ethel and I could have and do in retirement.

* Worry over converting our construction loan to a mortgage based on Ethel’s income alone. (for the period it takes us to sell this condo, we’d need a mortgage, until we could pay it off with the proceeds).

So, for that last one, I’ve got a call in to our guy at Whitefish Credit Union, to make sure that, were I to suddenly quit, we could still easily convert. That’s a showstopper. I wouldn’t want to pay the taxes I would have to pay in order to pull that much out of tax-deferred IRAs and such.

The second one – the bit about ‘the longer I work, the more that we can do and have’ – that one is always true; and the only trade-off is that if one keeps working forever, then one never gets to do anything “in retirement”.  So one has to stop working early enough to do the stuff – but one has to keep working long enough to have the money to do the stuff. The only way to optimize that trade-off would be to know just how long we were going to live.

The first one – that’s the tricky one. Quitting is quitting – and it means that I stopped doing something because I didn’t want to do it. And that’s sort of contrary to the whole Twelve Step way of life and thought.

The idea is simple – I grow through the things that I don’t want to do. When I don’t like something, it means that there’s something wrong with me – and I need to work on myself in order to fix me, and then the objectionable thing stops being objectionable.

So, if I quit, then I did so in violation of my own code. And then I’ll be laying in the hammock, or playing golf, while knowing that I am doing so by having violated said code. Kinda interferes with the whole enjoyment aspect of retirement.

I’m not sure just what to do about that…..

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